Weekend Writing Warriors-Steampunk WIP Snippet 2
Welcome to the Weekend Writing Warriors, the perfect place to discover new authors and fall in love with their writing. Each Sunday we share 8 sentences from a current or finished manuscript. Click here for the rest of the amazing writers participating.
I’m continuing to share from my current work in progress FPWL. The first draft is mostly done, but I made some changes in the second half of the book, which means I now have to go back and ensure continuity. It’s a companion novel to Dirigibles Are Forever and hopefully the beginning of a trilogy. It’s still pretty raw, so please be gentle;). This snippet comes directly after last week’s and we are in Clara’s point of view.
“A human steward, his nametag identified him as Jens Althoff, greeted her at the top. He looked to be in that stage where he hadn’t quite finished growing nor had quite put on the muscle that made him a man. “Wilkommen, Fräulein Riesenbeck; wir sind so glücklich Sie an Bord zu begrüßen und wünschen Ihnen einen wunderbaren Flug.”
Clara replied in accent-free German as she handed him her ticket. “Thank you for your kind welcome. I am excited to be here and am looking forward to an enjoyable flight.” She batted her eyelashes a few times. “It’s the first time I’m riding a dirigible this big,” her breathy sigh at the end was timed perfectly.
What works, what doesn’t?
Have a wonderful Sunday and Happy Writing!
Posted on January 18, 2015, in Weekend Writing Warrior, Writing and tagged dirigibles, erotic, fun, romance, sexy, steampunk, steamy, swashbuckling, wip. Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.
Aw, the poor boy, doesn’t stand a chance! Loved the German bit as well.
Thank you, Christina.
I get this feeling she’s very good at making male allies. Strikes me as a bit of a Mata Hari. Fun snippet!
Oh, I like that comparison;). Thank you, Alexis.
Delicious. What a great description of the young not quite a man.
Thank you, Charmaine.
That young man is caving fast from her flirting!
You might consider a little bit of description worked in to clarify the German–before the dialogue. Like if a book says “So-and-so scolded,” and follows it with something in another language, you know what the words mean.
Too fast? Hm, maybe I need to turn it down a little. I tried to give the explanation of the German in her response, but I’ll have another look at it. Thank you, Caitlin!
I don’t think it’s too fast. He seems thrown, but not pathetically so.
I love that you included a touch of German. Foreign language snippets add an element of realism
Thank you, Michelle.
I love the description of the young man. And she seems to be having a bit of fun making him blush. Nice 8.
Thanks, Lashell. She’s definitely having fun;).
Oh, she’s good! If you’re going to be Jane Bond, do it right! 😀
I’m so glad she’s competent, Tina—I’d hate for her male coworkers to be right. 🙂
Lol, thank you, Sarah.
Apparently those eyelashes worked. She’s got Jens wrapped around her finger now. 🙂
She does indeed;).
I could practically hear Clara, sounded a bit like Mae West. Definitely intriguing.
Thank you, Chelle.
I liked it but my eyes glide right over the German since I don’t speak it and as a reader if there was a whole lot of it, I might give up. I liked Caitlin’s comment above, on how to perhaps have less German (it’s nice om moderation as a touch of verisimilitude) but still convey the meaning. I am enjoying the story and I think your heroine is delicious, the way she knowingly times that breathy sigh LOL.
Thank you, Veronica.
That poor boy didn’t stand a chance. Well done, Clara!
Lol, not really;).