Weekend Writing Warriors-Steampunk WIP Snippet 1
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I’m sharing the opening of my current work in progress FPWL. The first draft is mostly done, but I made some changes in the second half of the book, which means I now have to go back and ensure continuity. It’s a companion novel to Dirigibles Are Forever and hopefully the beginning of a trilogy. It’s still pretty raw, so please be gentle;).
“Clara Redbeck, currently travelling under the name Clara Riesenbeck—it always made it easier to stick close to the truth—paused at the bottom of the ramp and studied the Bismarck. The dirigible was one of the modern multi-level models and would take her all the way from Tilsit, on the east coast of Prussia, to London. Or as far as she had to go before she could disembark.
Clara had a plan and this plan involved showing the knobs at work that she was more than capable of fulfilling this mission. Alone and without being dependent on untrustworthy partners. Untrustworthy male partners. It would be a very, very long time until she trusted a man again.
She swiped her ticket barcode through the automated steward’s facade and the barricade opened. With a smile to the camera she picked up her hand luggage and walked up the ramp.”
What works, what doesn’t? Is the second paragraph too much?
Toronto is in a deep freeze at the moment, the windchill putting us at around -21C (-5.8F). Just a wee bit nippy. Any trip into the outside world has to be planned in minute detail to ensure you spend as little time as possible out of the warmth. Wherever you are I hope you’re staying nice and warm;).
Have a wonderful Sunday and Happy Writing!
Posted on January 11, 2015, in Dirigibles Are Forever, Weekend Writing Warrior and tagged dirigibles, erotic, fun, romance, sexy, steampunk, steamy, swashbuckling, wip. Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.
Ooh, Clara sounds like another fun, feisty heroine! I like the little technical details, like the automated steward’s facade.
I don’t see anthing wrong with the second paragraph, but if I had to nitpick, I’d say, leave off the last sentence. You’ve already made pretty clear that she wants to do this without a man around- maybe you can drop more hints later about why she won’t trust one.
Oh, good idea, thank you, Christina.
I like the second paragraph. All of it. Only thing that bumped me was “knobs.” Seemed odd in this context. But nitpicky. I liked the entire excerpt.
Thank you, Cara;).
I especially like the last paragraph, visual and snappy.
Thank you, Gemma.
Don’t touch a word or I’ll come after you. We get to know where she’s going and there’s so much more to learn about this feisty woman.
Lol, thank you, Charmaine;).
I think it works well as is. You set the scene, tell us her goal, give us a tantalizing hint of background- all in three short paragraphs. Nice!
Thank you, Alexis.
I would say “before” she trusted a man, rather than “until.”
I think the second paragraph is important. It shows us her motivation. But maybe try switching it with the third. Get her on board before we learn what her plan is. Just an idea, and admittedly I don’t know what comes next so it may not even work.
Interesting idea, Kate. I’ll play around with it. Thank you.
I like the whole snippet. The second paragraph opens up such mysterious air – WHY is she not going t trust a man again? And what kind of mission is she going to prove herself on. Great job.
Thank you, Chelle.
So she’s in Jack’s line of work, but no one will *let* her work? Love it!
I like “knobs” (oh, hush, you know what I mean)—very British. 😀
I am wondering about “Or as far as she had to go before she could disembark.” Does she hate flying?
I’m only asking because I wanted to read it as “Or as far as she could go before she had to disembark.” and for some reason it threw me. But that’s mostly likely my problem and not the sentence’s! 🙂
Lol, yes, Sarah, she’s in Jack’s line of work and the men around her aren’t too supportive.
Hm, I’ll have another look at that line. She is planning to leave mid-flight (she has her aerocycle with her), but if it made you think twice it’s not working.
She’s independent, intelligent and determined. Love your MC.
Thank you, Gem.
She comes across as a little grumpy, perhaps. But there’s clearly a story behind her anger, so I bet it’s justified.
Oh, grumpy is not what I was going for;). I’ll have another look. Thank you, Caitlin.
I liked it, gave me the feeling there’s quite a backstory for her and I’m already rooting for her to be successful. I have a feeling she’s got mad skills. The word “knob” threw me a bit but then I got right back into the narrative.Great snippet!
Thank you, Veronica. I’ll have to see if I can find a better word, one that is not quite so English;).