Weekend Writing Warriors-Tangled Redemption Snippet 6
Welcome to the Weekend Writing Warriors. Each Sunday we share 8 sentences from a current or finished manuscript. Click here for the rest of the amazing writers participating.
I am continuing to share parts of my WIP, Tangled Redemption, book 4 in the Celestial Surrender series. I still don’t have a blurb;). My heroine is Sydney. We meet her for the first time in Tangled Hunger, book 2 of the Celestial Surrender series. Circumstances I cannot go into without spoiling everything result in her being kidnapped by a Vampire who has the impossible task of balancing the survival of one with that of a galaxy. I just realised I never mentioned the second Vampire who gets thrown into the equation and tries to find his place with these two. I will try and show Jayden soon. I may have to change his name as it’s pretty close to Sydney.
Tangled Redemption is a Sci-Fi story and takes place in a universe inhabited by humans, Vampires and Naema, a race that has been likened to angels. There is a tenuous peace between the three races, but a faction of the Vampires, the Ferals, does not want to bow down to human law. You could say there is a smidgeon of tension between them and the rest of the galaxy, expressed through a kill-on-sight order against them.
This snippet is a rewrite from last week. Miguel pushed Sydney hard to kill the third Feral, basically leaving her unprotected, which makes no sense as his boss ordered him to kidnap her. Going by your feedback as well as my critique partner’s I tried to rework and explain. The scene starts in Miguel’s point of view.
“Miguel scrutinized the Naema before him. She was tall, only a little shorter than his six-three, and very slender, but not fragile. No, her body was tightly muscled and her Naema heritage gave her additional strength. Her blonde hair was cut pixie short and her aquamarine eyes carried darkness.
She had passed his test. Maybe she would have the strength and fortitude to survive being Nasir Zwelenki’s prisoner. He’d done his best not to find her when Nasir’s orders came down. When she’d made the stupid decision to travel to Dahir, a planet close to the central core of the system, without any protection, she’d take things out of his hands.”
I know there were a couple of sentence parts you really liked. I have kept them, but can’t fit them into today’s 8 without using incredibly bad punctuation;). Hope this is an improvement…
I am so deep in the editing cave I can’t even see the light. I will do my best, but it may be later in the day before I can make my rounds.
Have an amazing week and as always Happy Writing!
Posted on August 10, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.
I like her description. Nice to see a heroine who is not fragile.
I really like the way you described her eyes.
The reasoning seems sound…but still, she’s to be prisoner. Good thing she’s strong!
Hm, maybe I’ll tweak that phrase a little…
Yes, I like this. Keeps us more grounded in the moment. Have fun in the cave. That’s where I should be right now but the siren call of networking is hard to resist.
Lol, it was pretty long slog in the cave and I am about to jump back in when I get home from work. Good luck with yours and thank you for coming by when time is precious.
The best laid plans of undercover good guys . . . 🙂
I think ‘take’ should be ‘taken’ but other than that I like this a lot. His reluctance comes through really well, making him seem dangerous but still sympathetic.
I will check my grammar;). Thank you!!
Good luck in the writing cave. I liked the excerpt, this seems like a very high stakes situation and I can’t wait for more details!
Thank you. I am glad it’s working. I finished the second round of edits after 13.5 hours non-stop. Now I have one more round to go:).
I like it, Tina. It has a lot of information without sounding clunky. That editing cave can make a writer soooo claustrophobic… 🙂
Yay, I am glad it’s improved. *happy dance*
OMG, I went a little made after hour 10;).
I completely get his motivation here, so I think your edits work. And now the reader knows somethings he doesn’t, which is always fun!
You might consider if you can shift one of the ‘was’ sentences in the first paragraph to another verb–hard with description, but possible–because you have three in a row.
Oh, good point!! Thank you! *goes in search of thesaurus*
Sounds like more than a smidgeon of tension.
That means I’ve reached my goal! Thank you:).
Your description of the Naema makes her seem very real and really piques the interest. Well done.
Yay, great, thank you:).